makiandkaori

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:52:36 GMT

christmas time is almost here and I dont really have any feelings about it...
bought I bought a replacement book for one I lost somehow. So not to bad. and I bought when a stranger calls. going to watch that in a little while.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:32:59 GMT

Mmm content at this moment. Talking with my Wicked Kitten :)

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 04:39:13 GMT

Knee hurts. But I like the weather change. I like that fall has begun and winter is coming.
Going to try for nanowrimo again this year. My goal this time is to hit 30,000 words. Even though a successful one is 50,000...

I can only try I suppose. Been feeling better emotionally lately. So that is good. And I got some of those twin dragon almond cookies that I enjoy.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:18:59 GMT

I seem to have many misunderstandings when they should be easily avoided...*sighs*

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:20:37 GMT

Been literally months since I last posted and no one commented either. Eh well.
Nothing big right now I guess. Been buying more dvds and the occasional music cd. I got a ipot nana now. Purple. I like the color purple. What else can I say right now? ...been drawing a bit. Not much. And very behind on my novel. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop being so damn lazy and finish it. Its important to me to do so. I just dont know if it would be something anyone would want to read though? But thats the whole thing there. I am not writing it for anyone but me. So I shouldnt really worry about that ya know? But the other side of it is that I would like to see it get published to. But the material is somewhat sensitive. So I can see controversies amongst it by those who would disagree with the source material. Oh well. If I can get it finished and published it would be nice.

Its my goal to get the book finished and published. I really want that to happen.

Thu, 07 May 2009 03:15:20 GMT

been buying lots of dvds this year. And cds.
I love stories. I love art. It seems like art is all I have anymore.
So much bleah. I dont know what to be thinking about. I should really work on my novel. I want to finish it. It would be great to see it published. But I have no hopes of that happening.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 05:48:59 GMT

Sometimes I wonder how broken I am...
I really dont know what I should be thinking. And I cant even begin to comprehend how much I am avoiding subconsciously right now...

And I hate getting sick =.=
Fucking ribs ache when I cough or sneeze right now =.=

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:43:56 GMT

new year. More of the same tired feelings.
It doesnt feel like anything has changed. So in retrospect. I hate this year so far. Maybe more than I hated last year. And that is saying something

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:38:08 GMT

Fuck this. You keep giving. You try your best for someone. And what do you get in return? Someone telling you that you should try to look elsewhere. Because they worry in the end they will just hurt you. As if saying look elsewhere isnt painful? Not forcing it. But kind of suggesting as if the feelings between you are not going to be enough. You can give. You can try. And all you get in return is the fucking pain and loneliness that ends up twice as bad before you cared for a person. Before you found you loved them and were willing to give them everything.

Love can go rot in hell when it feels like bringing itself back to me. I am sick of this. I am sick of having a fucking heart that is repeatedly breaking. I gave up love before. I feel that way again. I dont wish to hurt anymore. I am obviously never good enough. Because every fucking damn time a relationship has to fall apart. Others move on to better relationships. I get fucked over holding the bag. And the other thing I am tired of is being the gentleman and nice guy who plays honorably. Who plays by a set of rules so binding that it makes anything difficult. Because nobody else plays by the same rules. No one else is bound by such harshness. So they gain the advantage. And to Karma. Your nothing but bull shit. You got as much authortiy as santa claus or the easter bunny.

How do I know? Because everytime in love I give my all. I put my heart out there so far. I give my trust. And what do I get in return? Maybe you have forgotten already since its been almost 2 yrs since my last relationship. It was a broken heart. A heart hurt so bad. Damaged so horribly not just from a broken relationship. But from your bastard twin called life. That fucking stole my sister. So tell me again how what goes around comes around? Maybe I can use the bitter laugh this time around. Because your nothing but a liar.

I loved all my ex's. I gave it all I had. And my reward from you was a broken heart. No answers to why it ended as it did. Short lived relationships. And the pain of seeing each and every one of them moving on quickly. Finding someone better than me. Tell me then how that was "what goes around, comes around" Because its a damn lie. Your a damn liar. See Karma. I got it figured out now. You cant be real. Because I am dying with stress. I am giving all my love and consideration for everyone. And right now what do I have? No one here. No one listening. No one to trust. And the sickness of a broken heart poisoned by bitterness.

Next time you want to give something. Keep it to your fucking self you bastard.

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:14:01 GMT

Well now I have a sturdy internet connection. Good? Bad? I dont know yet. And well I started my story for nanowrimo. But honestly dont know if I can make the deadline. But I find that right now that it doesnt matter. I am using this for motivation yes. But it isnt the important factor. I am doing this for myself. This story is for me and not for others. Not to say that I dont want others to read it. Just that this is being written not because I desire it. But because this is a story that has its own need to be written. Ones that might be complicated or simple depending from what light your viewing it in.

and I find that I have once again taken a turn for the worst....I am regressing emotionally back to when she had died....finding the depression building. The loneliness aches so hard...
And once again I find myself afraid of sleeping. I dont want to...so I suffer from staying up late. With so little sleep. I know its bad. Hurting my body and I dont care. I just...can't go through those dreams agian. I cant go through all of this once more...

Because in the end. I know that I am always alone no matter how much others say they are there for me. Because almost no one is available when I need them. It usually is me finding no one to listen or keep company with. While I continue to break my back for others...
I never learn

November is full of surprises

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 05:35:06 GMT

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:42:49 GMT

Lets see....
I got a new pc. Bought lego batman on the psp. I bought the box sets of Supernatural seasons 1 and 2. Veronica Mars season 3. Batman the animated series volume 1. And I bought a cd of flyleaf and Gavin DeGraw. Not much else I can say I think right now. Except...I still miss her horribly so...

Mon, 12 May 2008 22:05:23 GMT

I dont feel so good. Empty and kind of nervous. I also feel like I am on the verge of crying which is weird in itself. Since I cant find a reason or imagine one that would lead me to this point. Stress again? I really dont know. Trying to still draw. But it is frustrating realizing that I need to go so much further but I cant cause I dont know enough about angles *sighs*

Writing is going okay. But I got so many books on the subject that I need to start and finish. I keep procrastinating. The fear of failing being far to high...

Thu, 08 May 2008 23:38:49 GMT

...I feel like crap. Lonely, distant, unsure, agitated, tired, empty

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:55:00 GMT

March 25th....that marks 1 year as the anniversary of her death....
And my grandfather died on my birthday....yeah this new year is a real damn jerk

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 23:57:32 GMT

today would have been her 18th birthday...

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 00:01:20 GMT

my body has been aching lately :/
But a nice thing is that I bought the veronica mars season 1 dvd for $15!
I got the whole first season!! Yay!!
Also working on a drawing. It should be relatively done soon. Hopefully by friday

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 20:53:09 GMT

My bloody head hurts...
to much physical pains the last few days. It leaves me in a agitated state all day >

Since that time....

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 22:03:11 GMT

Ever since I lost her in this life I find that everything inside of me has changed. Down to my heart and soul. So much so it is hard sometimes to know who I am. :/ I mean I cant watch a scary movie or a slasher without feeling kind of grossed out or getting scared. And if I watch something where somebody dies I find myself breaking down crying. It reminds me of her. It reminds me of what I lost with her passing. I watch a romance movie it can remind me of her and I clutch at the half a heart hanging around my neck. I get scared so easy nowadays unlike before. I mean sometimes when my phone rings I get scared O.o Or I hear a car door close outside of my room when I am in bed it startles me. So many changes inside. I know when she passed on that I felt that I was different. I didnt know how just that I was different. I still think that way despite becoming accustomed to it.

She was only 17. 18 on december 6th I believe. She was so lonely and hurt when I started talking to her. I met her on gaiaonline. But we started talking on the phone and over those 3 days we became so close. Within 2 hours of talking to her on the phone she started calling me big brother. She would tell me "I love you big brother." That was on a friday in late march. By Sunday I lost her to internal bleeding because she had a weak immune system....

The first time she died I felt everything you could say. I had her on the phone and it felt like my heart suddenly shattered and I felt overwhelmed by despair and I didnt know why. They lost her pulse. But after a few minutes they found it again. She died later that night....

I have been blamed by her fiancee. For her dying because I told her to go to sleep. Because she was in so much pain that it was hard for her. I could hear the pain in her voice. Her voice so tiny I could barely hear her. She was only still awake because of me. She admitted to it. So I told her to sleep. He could never understand my reasoning behind it. He didnt know how much it hurt for me to tell her that. How I cried telling her that. Or the way she asked in a hurt voice why I wanted her to sleep? Didnt I want to talk to her?

Her family has caused me alot of pain. Everything she left for me I do not have. Because her fiancee would not keep his promise. Instead he volunteered to go to Iraq so he could die. Keeping everything that was mine.

Life exacts a heavy price. That to this day I am still paying for. 5 months and3 days since you left me little one. And I still pay the price that life has exacted. But not once do I regret the price for knowing you. I love you little sister....

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 22:35:34 GMT

Yeah still alive. Not like anyone pays attention to here

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 18:44:15 GMT

sleep should be a way to find comfort. To be safe from the things that bother and haunt you. Sleep should lead to peace. But this is not happening....*sighs* Dreams are bothering me. The things that our in my life are affecting my dreams...

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:59:56 GMT

I think i'm becoming depressed >.<
Been having trouble sleeping. Bad dreams and constantly feeling alone *sighs* It troubles me so and I do not know what to do. Feeling so alone right now :(

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 00:15:02 GMT

I feel like crap and incredibly lonely :(
So much stuff just seems like it is going to suck. I mean when it gets to the point that you dont know if your friends with someone still and your online gf doesnt seem to care much, it is pretty fucking shitty overall *sighs*

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 23:00:10 GMT

3 more days till anime expo *faints*

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 01:30:24 GMT

working on drawing a id for ladymariko of dev art
bette from devart
birthday gift for bette
id for myself
and art trades with vild,saiyuku ^^